Victim? Or Victimizer?

Theme Song: Sweet Dreams

Personally, I’d rather be a victim than a victimizer. For one thing, I’m better at it. Also, victims, while they may seem a little snivelly at times, come off less like, well, you know, *ssholes.

Of course, we all know the victimizers are the sexier of the two. It’s unfair, but not that many people, myself included, can pull off sexy while crying. . .and we all know it's not the victimizers who are doing all that crying.

I’m not the only one who believes in the victim/victimizer dichotomy (big word, I know).

My neighbor, a sweet young thing of 25, recently told me the world is made up of lovers and fighters.

The lovers, she said, want to get closer while the fighters want to keep their distance.

That’s one way to put it, yes.

If that’s not how you see it, try one of the following:

• Master and servant
• Cling-on and commitmentphobe
• Abuser and abused
• Emotionally invasive or distant
• Giver and taker

In any case, between the wisdom of Annie Lennox (see theme song, above) and my neighbor, I’m not alone on this theory, people. Really, I’m not.

The Missing Link

It boils down to this: neither the victim nor the victimizer are sufficiently mature to sustain loving relationships.

Possibly you’ve been there. This victim/victimizer cycle has its advantages. Neither person needs to show up as truly open hearted and vulnerable. Everyone gets to keep their egos intact.

The down side, of course (apart from misery), is no one gets to experience true love. While that is a heavy price to pay, most people pay it willingly -- over and over again.

The missing link is equality. Without equality, you have fear. When you have fear, you don’t have love.

What Does Love Require?

A lot, of course.

Love, as near as I can tell, is an interaction between equals and involves being:

• Kind
• Caring
• Playful
• Reverent and
• True

A Third Category

I have heard there’s a third category of person.

The Third Category is, in theory, a type of person who is kind, caring, playful, reverent and true with themselves first, and then with others. They do not fear commitment and vulnerability because they love and respect themselves, as well as their beloved.

I do not actually know these people. Or, maybe I know them, but, certainly, I’ve never had an intimate romantic relationship with one.

Of course, you cannot be a victim and an emotionally mature participant in a victimizing relationship. Because, if you value yourself enough, you're already gone. And this, as we shall see, is key.

More Trouble Than It’s Worth?

Being in love with someone who is your emotional equal and, who is, in addition, kind, caring, playful, reverent and true involves real risk.

You might find your heart opening, your vulnerability surfacing, your ego breaking. Who needs that noise?

Fortunately, near as I can tell, these people are few and far between. So, we won’t worry about them. Back to the matter at hand.

The Victim Becomes Victimizer

I was given an opportunity, recently, to switch roles. Yes, someone fell in love with me and unfortunately I didn’t fall back.

Friends, I’m not proud of myself, but I took it.

You all know I’m recovering from a breakup. So it didn’t hurt to hear I’m gorgeous and to feel the glow of human desire enveloping me. And, yes, I enjoyed the attention.

And I learned a lot, not the least of which was a certain amount of compassion for the victimizer.

We victims make it so damn easy. We want to believe the lies, we’re willing to take the smack down and get back up again until our eyeballs are dimly glowing like emotional Terminators.

Because, look. I can’t count the amount of times I said, “I can never be more than friends with you. You should stay away from me. You will only get hurt.”

I can practically hear her friends saying, “Baby, you’ve gotta stay away from that b*tch.” True to victim form she did not stay away from this b*tch.

And, yes, I fueled the fire. I texted, emailed, had Facebook conversations and even participated in long and, ultimately pointless, telephone calls despite warnings from my friends that there was nothing I could do to wake her up besides stay away from her.

I guess I can admit, though, being a victimizer feels kinda good. It feels good like getting drunk or eating too much chocolate cake.

I think tried and true victimizers have to put up with a certain amount of shame and self-loathing, but it’s nothing a little more abusive behavior, hair-of-the-dog style, won’t clear up short term.

It’s interesting to taste the power of caring less, of not being hooked in. Among other perks, you don’t have to return calls right away or fear abandonment. Yes, being a victimizer has its many advantages.

Back to the Third Category

As you know, I was married to a victimizer and then I dated one for three years. Those two relationships, as reader Cynthia Bates put it, were like “chewing on metal.” They awakened a desire within me for a different kind of experience.

Here’s the thing. Before I had my opportunity to be a victimizer, I didn’t truly see my victim behavior for what it was.

My would-be lover showed me, once and hopefully for all, that I have to be responsible for myself, that I have to be willing to see the truth of situation and act upon it.

I am finally prepared to strive to be someone who belongs to that mysterious Third Category.

You know, a person who has learned to love herself and will neither victim nor victimizer be.

Class Exercise

Take a Zen minute, close your eyes and ask yourself: which one am I?

Is this what you want?