What Good Manners Means for Repetition Compulsion

Theme song: Sorry is a Sorry Word

Sometimes Google searches just don't yield the desired results.

This phenomenon can make a person feel alone. After all, with nearly 7 billion Google users (exaggeration alert), you'd think that at least some people are wondering the same things you are.

I've been thinking about a few things lately, and Google failed me when I was looking for a solution, so I'm having, once again, to wing it.

As well as ask you, my readers, for input. Why? Because you are my team of experts. When Google fails me, you are my team. My go-tos.

The Problem

The problem is, I keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again.

It's boring, sure, but it can also be harmful and stressful.

Here's an example: I don't like driving, especially in traffic and especially when I'm afraid I'll be late. It makes me loco. Which is an avoidant way of saying I act out. Which is a polite way of saying I act like a b****. That wouldn't be so bad if it were a simple case of road rage (flipping people off in traffic, screaming over the radio, or -- worst case scenario -- ramming people who seem to be in the way even if, stress ball behind the wheel that I am, it's actually my fault).

What makes it really bad is that I tend to misbehave like this while people are in the car with me, and they tend to be the people I love most.

It might be okay, too, if it happened once. To err is human and all that. But. This behavior happens regularly. Even though I know it's wrong and I myself don't like it.

The good news, if you can call it that, is that there is a name for this.

Freud, reviled in some quarters I know, was good at naming things. Even if you don't believe in Penis Envy, it still has quite a ring to it. So, it turns out, the name for my problem is Repetition Compulsion. I like it. It means I am compelled to make the same d*** mistakes over and over and I can blame poor parenting and/or childhood trauma if I would like. Freud leaves me free to do this, even encourages it.

Good Manners

One nice thing to do when you make a mistake is apologize. That's called Good Manners (I think Freud also used this phrase despite the fact that Good Manners aren't considered pathological).

An interesting thing to consider when you think about Good Manners is that they are a learned skill. They make getting along with other people easier. That's useful, yes.

The problem is that Good Manners are just that -- manners. Mannerisms. A set of behaviors.

Good Manners, as long as you use them, don't have to come from the heart. They can come from habit, or shame, or any other human characteristic.

Courtesy

There is something else I love and admire far beyond Good Manners, and I really don't think this is a word Freud used often, called Courtesy.

Those who know know that the word Courtesy drives from the Latin word for "heart". It has the same root as Courage -- another quality I admire and, in this case, possess in relative abundance.

Courtesy, then, while it encompasses Good Manners, is sourced from the heart. It means that your good behavior derives from variations of love and is based on attitude and spirit more than behavior learned and repeated.

I think that if a person is uniformly courteous, even enlightenment itself may be rendered obsolete. Courtesy, I think, forms the foundation of the Boddhisattva Way. Courtesy in any case makes life lovely and sweet.

Don't get me wrong. Well-employed Good Manners are a good substitute for Courtesy. It would be great to apply Repetition Compulsion to good manners. That would solve all kinds of problems -- from redlining to child abuse and maybe even global warming. (Maybe not over population because repeated Good Manners are, after all, quite sexy.)

When repetition -- and not the good kind -- rules, how far can Good Manners go?

How many times can "I'm sorry" be said -- especially for the same offense?

Google gave me Repetition Compulsion, for which I'm grateful, but sadly offered no solution.

Luckily, Google is not my only friend.

Solutions

The thing is, I want to change. As an aspirant to Courtesy (if not Enlightenment), I don't want to be a domestic terrorist in the confines of my City Car Share. It's Bad Manners, yes, and also hurtful for everyone involved, myself included. It's got to change.

In 12 Step programs you are supposed to cultivate awareness of your part in a given situation and promptly admit it. That part I've got. It's wrong to to inflict my anxiety on others while in a speeding vehicle. Yes. I'm totally clear. It's wrong.

Once you've admitted you're wrong, you are supposed to make amends.

Making amends includes good manners -- saying you're sorry -- and extends into taking actions that will restore the person you have wronged. For example, if you stole money from someone, you would return it. I think we all know that returning money might be easy compared to making amends for, say, killing someone because you were drunk and driving. Making amends, especially when you have done something gravely wrong is naturally difficult, yes.

What making amends does NOT include is doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Which brings me back to where I started, which was to ask you for help.

12 Step programs suggest that turning your "character defects" -- in this case Repetition Compulsion -- over to God and humbly asking "him" to remove the defect.

Maybe I haven't been sufficiently humble when asking for this defect to be removed, because the good Lord knows I've asked.

While I'm waiting for God to remove my Repetition Compulsion I'm asking you, my crew, to provide me with a few intelligent suggestions to tide me over.

12 Step programs also suggest doing "footwork," meaning taking right and necessary actions here on planet Earth while waiting for a spiritual solution. Trouble is, I'm not exactly sure what those are.

Anyone?

Your Turn

What do you do when you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?