So Much For Good Behavior

Theme song: The Rain

Friends, I always try to be well-behaved.

I do it for a variety of reasons, including fear, obligation, and wanting to make everything look good.

Underneath it all, and for this I thank God, my efforts to be well-behaved are built on the foundation of my fight for freedom. In other words, as the yogis and the Buddhists tell us so well, freedom comes from following the yamas and the niyamas -- from right living, which is the ultimate and real sense of "good behavior." In fact, right living makes good behavior superfluous.

What is freedom and why would I want it? Freedom is another word for heaven. It's the peaceful, spacious place that lives in every human heart, but more often than not cannot be located, felt, or sensed. Somehow, we know it's there and long for it just the same.

Poor behavior, by which I mean primarily that which harms you or anyone else and that which takes you out of integrity, by which I mean behavior that doesn't get you the results your heart desires, traps you and keeps you unfree.

The Buddha said that your thoughts are more important than your actions because thoughts cause actions, so I am including thoughts under the category of "behavior" for spiritual purposes. This distinction isn't about morality. It's about orienting your whole being towards the freedom available to you right now.

If you're thinking about stealing a candy bar or eating ten of them, or how horrible you are because you already took the candy and ate it all, my first question is: How is that working for you and for everyone else you know? My second question is: May I be of service? That's it!

I'm not just fighting for my freedom, I'm fighting for yours as well. Right? Because if one of us remains unfree, we are all unfree. No child of God left behind.

Speaking of freedom and good behavior, I believe I mentioned that my ex husband is getting remarried. Maybe I mentioned the diamond ring and the new house. Perhaps I told you that I wondered why he was making these choices, after having told me that he didn't want to be an "indentured servant." He wanted to be free.

I hate to bring this up, primarily because it definitely threatens to not "look good" (see above), but lately I have been feeling a bit jealous and self-pitying about all this. I was thinking that my ex husband was getting to live my dream, the one he supposedly rejected, and here I am, nervously hanging out in a rent controlled apartment and cautiously grateful that I have enough money to cover my December bills.

It might become clearer why all of this house buying and such has been so fraught for me when I tell you the following: Home ownership was a lifelong dream of mine, and when my ex and I bought a home together, I really felt that I had found the security, the stability, the sense of belonging and family for which I had always longed. I put a lot into that house!

After our baby died, I kind of went crazy with this concept, and mentally invested in the "perfect family."

I bought antiques so the children would have heirlooms. I planned to live in the in-law when they had babies so I could babysit their children. I looked forward to when the children could inherit the home. You see, I didn't even bother to consider that I would be dead. And, mind you, they were 3 and 7 at the time of the divorce.

We all know that my dream home was a house of cards. Things were true because I wanted, so desperately, for them to be true. Sometimes I feel sad about how misguided I was. I look back at the woman I was and I feel for her. And I feel for her husband, too. He could have done better, yes, but he did the best he could with a woman who definitely had clouds in her coffee. In the end, he played an important role in her fight for freedom.

Having learned so much and come so far, I did not like the thoughts I've been having. They were not working for me.

Last night it all came together at a Landmark training I attended. First, the trainer told a story about a conscious choice she once made to enjoy a life experience everyone told her would be a struggle. I remembered that I, too, had made a conscious choice to find joy after my baby died. I did that to honor her and who she was as a presence in my life.

Then, I was paired up to do a role play with a woman with whom I ended up having a lot in common. I told her about my ex husband and the home buying and such. I told her that I had already had a sneaking suspicion that if I dropped the house issue, I would just find another reason to resent my ex. She provided it: She suggested he might have a baby girl with his new wife. I had, honestly, up until that moment, never had the conscious thought that my ex husband would live to have a baby girl with his new wife.

I cried. I thought, Wow, then he really will be living my dream. He will have a home and he will have a baby girl, two things I have always longed for and, all things considered, am unlikely to ever have again.

I considered what it would be like to be jealous of him having a baby girl. I considered what my life would be like if I looked at him having a baby girl as a negative. Talk about Hell!

Over 7 years ago now, sick in bed in a hotel in India, just before the end of my marriage, I realized that I was willing to be responsible for pretty much anybody and anything except my own happiness and my own finances. That, of course, had to change and it did. Still, when times get tough, old habits die hard. And that is where my poor ex husband, the scapegoat, comes in.

In addition and more importantly, for me my baby girl was a spiritual awakening. She taught me, for the first time, what real love is. I will not dishonor her with jealousy and resentment.

I have a choice, now, about whether I want to be jealous of houses and babies and rings, or whether I want to focus on my own life, cut the excuses, and get moving towards my heart's desire, whatever that is given my life now, and make it happen.

My little girl, the gift that keeps on giving, illuminated the dead end I was on and opened my heart once again to the possibility of who I can be when I'm free.

As for The Rain, I often think of this song when it rains, and, thank goodness, it's raining. I love the rain while Missy evidently does not, but, no matter, this song is one of my all-time favorites. I first heard and loved this song with my ex husband and it evokes a happy time, place, and love. This blog post goes out to Michael: May he live his heart's desire.

So much for good behavior ;)

Your Turn

Made any tough choices lately?

{photo credit: AdriaanC}