Selfish

Theme Song: It's Tricky

My mother used to tell me how selfish I was, and so did my ex-husband.

When it came time to divorce, not one but several people said to me, "Now, Anna, it's just about you and the kids." It seemed that, after all the years of being told I was selfish, now I was expected to be selfish.

Oh, it's hard being a woman! I'm sure it's hard being a man, too, but that's a story I cannot tell. What I can say is, when women take care of themselves, first, before they take care of their children or their husbands or their partners, they are called selfish. Or, when it comes to their children they are actually supposed to be selfish. How to win?

I've been called, thankfully not often, a selfish b****. I took it to heart and selfish is something I've never wanted to be.

In fact, the idea of being selfish is scary to me. I don't want to be unladylike or maybe even worse!

Now, though, I'm a single woman who works (different than a working woman!).

I have to take care of me because there is no one else to do it. It's mostly a blessing but it does call up the awful specter of selfish.

Taking care of me includes, is not easy to separate from, taking care of my kids. So, now I have to decide what selfish means for three. These types of decisions are stressful because selfishness is not the only consideration. There are also positive values to be considered, like courage, generosity, practicality and open heartedness.

When I schedule a massage because I'm feeling stressed and a) I've decided massages are healthier than drinking too much and b) I know some (most?) people are stressed and can't afford to schedule a massage instead of taking a shot, I worry I'm selfish. Should I be stronger and do without drinks and massages or any other contemporary crutch?

A friend of mine called this type of problem a "white girl" problem and I'm white and I'm a girl and it's my problem so I guess she's right. Somehow, though, it didn't make me feel any better.

Lately a friend has needed money. I know she needs the money and she needs it more for rent then for getting a massage or even a drink. I guess that's a white girl problem, too, because she's white and she's a girl.

So. What to do?

The knee jerk reaction in our culture is a fear-driven, scarcity-fueled save yourself first mentality. While I can groove with that, I'd like to do better.

I would like to do better without compromising myself or my children. Loan the money and don't get massages for a year? That could work. Because, really, what's more important? My massage or your rent?

Now, if it's a question of doing something out of guilt, probably it shouldn't be done. And if it's a question of doing something in order to avoid being selfish, it probably shouldn't be done.

Being unselfish (or is it called generosity?) needs to be done with a light heart and a pure mind or otherwise it's actually just more selfishness. So, you can see, these things can tricky, and pretty fast!

Have you heard that saying about putting on your own oxygen mask first? I agree, in theory, but it is easy to be so driven by fear that you think you don't have enough oxygen when, really, there's plenty.

Have you heard neither a borrower nor a lender be? Agreed. Even a "lender" has to acknowledge that lending can turn into giving. So lend with a light heart and a pure mind.

I have to consider that people use the term "selfish" in order to control the people around them. You know, you're only selfish if you're not doing what I wanted you to do! Right?!

Of course, all the "greats" have been selfish. Shakespeare selfishly sat around writing, Bach composing, Einstein mathing (or whatever he did!) and Marie Curing (get it?).

I always say, "Who invented this whole being human thing? It is so hard! Hard to know how to be just the right amount of selfish -- for everyone's good.

Your Turn

How do you walk the razor's edge between selfishness and putting your own oxygen mask on first?