This Is Your Life On No Drama

Theme song: Good Morning

Have you ever studied really hard for finals -- you know, pulled some all-nighters, turned in the last paper, walked out of the last three hour exam -- and then felt weirdly let down? You're free, now, but instead of happy you feel kind of listless and worn out?

I have a friend, I'll call her Miss Thing to protect her anonymity, who has been feeling like that lately.

Back Story

Before I dive into the details, here's a little back story:

Miss Thing and I both grew up in alcoholic families and then went into alcoholic/codependent marriages and then headed into our divorces within a year or two of one another.

It's kind of a classic story. I think you've met people like this before: the kinds who seem to go into the same types of bad jobs or relationships over and over again.

For those of you who don't know, alcoholism is, in the words of AA, "cunning, baffling and powerful."

Naturally, Miss Thing and I emerged from our respective marriages feeling baffled, but cunning and powerful -- not so much.

Now Miss Thing is doing much better. Her kids are through the worst of it, she has re-established her career and is financially stable, she is healthy and she is dating a kind-yet-foxy man who is communicative and conscious about his issues. Things are looking good.

Why so Restless, Miss Thing?

The sad thing is, a life of trauma, like an extended finals week, has not left those of us touched by it with nervous systems that easily recognize peace. We've been on overdrive for a long time, dreaming of the day we would have peaceful lives surrounded by peaceful people.

We tried everything, including:

• Therapy
• Yoga
• Meditation
• Journaling
• Self-help books
• Processing with friends
• Praying
• Going into nature and even, for the desperate and determined,
• Al-Anon

Whatever the methods, people who have lived with alcoholism and other trauma often make a hugely concerted effort to "get over it." Experience tells me that, although it's longed-for, we can't control the trajectory of healing or the ability to live a new way.

I believe our efforts contribute to our healing, but typically it is mysteriously difficult (think "cunning, baffling and powerful") to get unstuck from the bad marriages and/or difficult family situations generated by alcoholism and similar dynamics.

Yet, somehow, it lifts. At a certain point we feel freer and more joyful than ever before. I call it a miracle, you might call it hard work paying off. Somehow, we find ourselves in stable situations surrounded by stable, loving people.

You would think jumping up and celebrating would be the thing to do. But, like finals only more so, coming off of years of crisis and trauma takes some adjusting to.

Change is Difficult

After all, it is change. And you know the average person doesn't like change -- even, strangely, good change.

Because we are not used to living crisis free lives, we might do one of two things:

• Wait for the other shoe to drop or
• Self-sabotage

The bored, restless feeling, although not self-sabotage in and of itself, can go that way. People can start picking fights or taking ill-conceived action just to get the accustomed druggy, adrenaliny feeling.

Miss Thing told me she isn't feeling ambitious. But she did sigh and say, "I need a new dream."

Not so Fast!

"Miss Thing," I said, "I don't think it's about dreams at this point. You've achieved a lot and dreams are futury and kinda, well, dreamy." As in, not real.

I think, in fact, that it's not about dreams any more. It's about magic. The magic of the present moment when all that's left is to enjoy your life.

Your Turn

Have you been touched by alcoholism? Or have you learned to live a peaceful life? Share your thoughts and tips in the comments.