Crazybad News You Can Use

Theme song: D.R.I.N.K.

For those among you who are divorced -- and perhaps even for those who are happily married or partnered -- please put yourself in my place.

I'm a busy woman and, when my lawyer calls, I don't want to hear the words I heard today.

In fact, it puts me over the edge. As in, seriously derails my day.

What were these words, you wonder?

They were:

"Erm, did you realize you are still married?"

I repeat: I answer the phone and the first thing my lawyer says to me, after a cursory little "hello" is:

"Erm, did you realize you are still married?"

And my response:

"Erm, no I didn't realize that. Nor will I. Why?" Pause. Pause.

"Because that CANNOT be."

Friends, my heart took a running leap when that little phrase made its way through time, space and electrical wires from my lawyer's lips to God's, I mean, my, ears.

That's right.

I freaked.

But only for about two microseconds. I knew it couldn't be true. And it wasn't.

Still, in that brief "Erm, you are still married" microsecond or two, my life flashed before my eyes.

I imagined Laura coming home and telling her, "Erm, did you realize I'm still married?"

I imagined texting my ex-husband and asking him, "Erm, since we're still married, can you sign some additional let's-not-be-married documents for me?"

Quick as a wink I was emailing every "Erm, I am NOT married" document I could get my sweaty little hands on to my lawyer proving that, "Erm, I am NOT married" and, after each one, in a voice that tried not to sound panicked, saying, "Erm, I am NOT married. Right?"

Finally, this little lawyer of mine and I were able to see eye-to-eye on the one and only truth that could be:

"Erm, I am NOT married. Right?"

"Right."

Well, that's a relief for Pete's flippin' sake. Seriously!

If I sounded hysterical it's just that getting a divorce really, really, really sucks. Finding out 6 years later you are not actually divorced and will have to go in for the legal equivalent of more heart surgery is enough to, well, create a wee sense of hysteria.

I mean, sheesh, Momma, I ask you: What does a woman have to go through?

It turns out that, through some at this point incomprehensible administrative mishap, I am not only divorced but "legally separated" as well. And therein lay the confusion. The average divorced person is just divorced. But I'm not, as you well know, average.

The main difference between the two legal statuses is that with a divorce you can remarry and with a legal separation you cannot.

Don't take this as a hint that I'll be announcing a wedding next week because, honestly, if I was thinking about getting remarried, the specter of hearing, ever again, should time and wear tear us apart, "Erm, did you realize you are still married?" is enough to put me off my wedding cookies -- permanently.

Okay, Laura is cute enough that I'm willing to consider putting the incident behind me and I think some good, old-fashioned heavy drinking could help me do it -- if only I were a drinking woman.

Besides, while I was on the phone with my lawyer I got a voicemail.

It said:

"Your kitty, Pilar, has been shipped via UPS. You don't need to sign for it."

Nothing like a dead cat to distract you from an (un)dead marriage. Right?

Your Turn

What's your craziest crazybad news?