Are You Too Emotional?

Theme song: Don't worry be happy

Does worrying make things better? If you get worked up, will you be clear-headed enough to take the actions you need to take to make change?

Here's my philosophy:

I try not to take things personally. Or, if it is personal, leave my anger and fear at the door. Of course, the trick is that you can't be mindlessly happy -- it's very important to evaluate situations honestly and, if there is a problem -- act on it.

The key, friends, and this is the toughie, is to cultivate what the yogis call "santosha" -- contentment despite conditions -- so that you can live free and take right action.

The good news is that, surprisingly, I am getting better and better at it.

Case in point: In a recent incident at my sons' school one student called another student "gay."

Those who know me know I'm queer, so they know that a statement like that has potential to really offend me. And, in a sense, it did. It offended my sense of justice and stimulated me to take action against that injustice.

The reason I am surprised I didn't flip out is that I used to take most things quite personally and get very worked up about them. You name it, it could take me down for a day or two.

What changed?

In part, it boils down to this: I am a busy single mom who is building a business.

I really don't have the time or the emotional bandwidth to personalize things.

Instead I have to opt for cool-headed efficiency when I do my part to right the wrong.

At the end of the day, I was proud of my son, his teachers, the other parents and the school community of which I am a part for their upright response to a possibly quite damaging situation.

And I was proud of myself for, as we say in Al-Anon, "right-sizing" the issue -- keeping my hand on the areas of my life over which I have most influence, namely my:

• Children
• Relationships and
• Growing business

Anger, and all of our emotions, are potentially very powerful galvanizers. I know this because I used to be motivated mainly by fear and anger.

I came to realize, however, that fear and anger do not cause success unless they are carefully regulated. Advocacy, for example, is regulated anger. And, because I am in touch with my emotions and feel confident that I can affect change, I can take a little drop of anger (this I call my inner "No!") and use it to advocate for myself and those I love.

Anger, and all of our emotions, are also potentially very powerful ways to get stuck. They can be energy vampires and even excuses.

I'll use myself as an example. There have been times when I felt so angry or sad that the emotion itself seemed to be enough. These days, though, I try to make (right) action be my response. At the end of the day it makes me feel better about myself and my world.

Right action (in this case speaking against homophobia and school bullying) is more effective when backed up by another Buddhist concept called "detachment." Detachment means that you take the action you feel is correct regardless of what the outcome will be (I recommend reading the Baghavad Gita -- for more details on this concept).

Why?

Because we can only control -- and even that gets dicey -- what we do, not what other people do or the outcomes of our actions.

In any given moment we create our karma by choosing our responses to situations.

This is what Martin Luther King style civil action is all about.

One of my heroes, Gandhi, said, "Be the change you want to see."

The change I want -- for me and everyone I know as well as everyone I don't -- is joyful hearts and equally courteous and respectful treatment for all. Yes, even the "perpetrators."

And the only way to get what I want is to be what I want.

Your Turn

What, if anything, can the concepts of santosha, right action, detachment and karma teach us about whether we let our emotions get the best of us?