Do You Have Great Expectations?

Theme Song: No Expectations

Do You Have Great Expectations? is part of my Reader Request Series. Thank you, gentle (ha!) readers for taking the time to let me know what's on your mind so I could a) get over my writer's block and b) explore the questions that matter most to the people in my world.

From reader Shannon Bruchard: "Most recently I have been considering expectations. When to have them, what to do when they are not met and how to get over them."

Expectations, because of their relevance to happiness, are an important area to explore. Thanks, Shannon!

I read the book Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens, to my kids. Granted, Dickens was paid by the word and the story got awful long and tedious, but it still skillfully illustrated what happens when people live for their expectations instead of for . . . what? Dickens doesn't really give us an alternative; he merely shows us what happens when people put expectations in front of real love and relationship. It's not good.

Just to make sure we're all on the same page, an expectation is: a) a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future b) a belief that someone will or should achieve something and/or c) one's prospects of inheritance (archaic).

I think problems arise because expectations are "strong," meaning that they stir emotion; they are "beliefs," meaning people confuse them with reality, and they are "prospects," meaning they are about the future and not the present.

When to Have Expectations

The quick answer is, "never." The human answer is that expectations are about fantasies, which are mental constructs. What keeps you stable is your values and what motivates your actions are very often your desires, or desire's twin, which is fear. It is hard to stay conscious and be aware of your expectations. It is human to conflate desire with expectation, belief with reality, and to forget that the future is not real. It's important to make that effort so that you can be in reality, in the here and now. As one of my meditation teachers once told me, "reality is the safest place." It is also, as far as I can tell, the genuinely happiest.

Meditation helps because it trains you to observe reality and get in touch with your desires and fears, but you can also journal, visit a therapist, or practice any other technique that helps you see clearly. For some, this includes giving up substances and/or addictive behaviors. In my case, refraining from alcohol has helped me see more clearly and stay grounded. When you are aware of what you are experiencing intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, you have a better chance of tackling it.

To expect is human, but it's a difficult part of being human because it often keeps us from focusing on what we can do right now to make our lives happy and productive.

What to Do When Expectations Are Not Met

Allow yourself to feel. Feeling, although it can lead to action, is not action. Step one is to feel, and step two is to take action. Not just any action, and certainly not action that makes other people feel guilted or blamed. Your expectations, sad as it may seem, are your problem. This doesn't mean you or anyone else should judge you for having them. Expectations are normal and human. It's our job to find ways to transcend, so we can live in a world of love and enchantment instead of bitterness and disappointment. I know it's hard; I fail everyday. But I also enjoy successes as I learn to take more and more responsibility for myself.

The best thing you can do when expectations are not met is to put the focus on yourself. Usually we expect other people to do things for us or act in certain ways. When that doesn't happen, disappointment results. Opt, to the extent you are able, to take action on your own behalf. Here's an example: I have often asked my boys to get me a glass of water when I'm working on the computer in the living room. The older one, now a teenager, used to be very gracious about helping me out. Now, he's somewhat more likely than not to tell me to get it myself. When that first started happening, it stung. But I had to admit that he is under no obligation to get me water, and it's probably a good idea for me to get up and get it myself.

Sometimes, though, I feel very disappointed when my expectations do not get met. I can still feel currents of rage and sorrow following my divorce, which was eight years ago. Embarrassing as that is, because part of me thinks I should be "above" that, I'm human. What's important is recognize your humanity, not dwell on it too much, and reward yourself with something good like chocolate, a new dress, or time with good friends. In fact, you don't have to reward yourself at all; you can just be sweet and gentle with yourself--whatever that means for you.

Love, enchantment, and transcendence are more likely to feel welcome if we leave a sweet open space for them inside ourselves.

How to Get Over Expectations, Part I

The best thing you can do is accept yourself and your expectations. Then, deeply reflect on the suggestion that expectations are not real; they are based in fantasy. Closer to the truth are your own values and desires, independent of other people and their actions.

Expectations are a form of desire, but they often depend on other people. Be honest with yourself about what you want out of life and, sad and lonely though it sometimes seems, be prepared to get it yourself.

How to Get Over Expectations, Part II

If the idea of faith and God trips you out (or up), please stop reading here. If faith and God interest you, keep going.

This isn't for everyone, but I find that I do best when I let God know about my expectations and desires. Then, and this is important, I try to understand what God wants for me. I do this by asking for God's guidance, and then attuning my senses to discover the answer. I don't dwell on it, I just try to let God take of it. Luke 22:42 (King James version) says, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."

It is a huge relief knowing that I don't have to be in charge of everything and that a force of unconditional love is willing to help carry the burden.