Things That Make You Love

Theme song: RaMaDaSa

Things That Make You Love is part of my Reader Request Series. Thank you, gentle (ha!) readers for taking the time to let me know what's on your mind so I could a) get over my writer's block and b) explore the questions that matter most to the people in my world.

One of my star readers, Lilian Chou, wrote that she would like to hear more about "things that make you love." Great topic. Nothing, ultimately, is more important than love. We were born to love. It starts simple and gets complicated fast.

Who and what to love falls into the following three categories:

• A higher power
• Yourself
• Other people and things

These categories of people and things are what we strive to love. I'll explain my categories, and then look at what makes love more and less available.

A Higher Power

Besides the commonly used term God, a higher power is how we conceive of that which is bigger than us. We can think in terms of "life" and "reality." These are the things that make up our existence, or make our existence feel worthwhile. Most people will accept that there is a lot going on besides themselves, most of which can neither be explained nor controlled. The conscious realization that it's not all about us opens us up to our connection to life and sets the stage for love. We need to feel our connection to something larger; we need to be able to locate ourselves within life in order to move forward despite the fact that we are all going to die.

Assignment: Discover, or recover, your higher power. Your higher power, the thing that connects you to life most compellingly, can be anything that takes you outside of yourself, including your commitment to work, your family, God, the campaign against climate change, or your creative process.

Yourself

If we don't love ourselves we cannot love anyone else. Most of us have internalized quite a bit of self-hatred over the years, and so we find it difficult to love others. We try to escape feelings of self-hatred by blaming others or turning to various addictions, which just increases our isolation and delusion.

Assignment: Be honest with yourself about how much you love yourself and how much you hate yourself. Commit to self-love immediately. Become prepared to love yourself flaws and all.

Other People and Things

Loving others is all about vulnerability. It requires a foundation of strength and courage that comes from self-love, which in turn is made possible by a sense of connection to a higher power. If strength and courage are the foundation, then gratitude and generosity are what span distances and build bridges. Feel grateful for what is around you and for the people in your life. Even the mean and the weak ones. They have lessons to teach and we have lessons to learn. Whenever possible, be generous. A generous heart loves people and things flaws and all.

Assignment: Look around this world of ours and see what, besides war, famine, and injustice, is on offer. Consider how generous and grateful you can be.

I could almost stop right here, but I wouldn't have completely answered the question. The real question is what, in the hustle, bustle, and tragedy we call life actually allows us to feel love and connection?

Miracles and Mysteries

The actual things that make us love are unpredictable. It's miracles and mysteries that make us love.

Although I wouldn't have expected it, tragedy and loss helped me discover and cultivate connection and self-love.

Those who know me know I had a beautiful daughter once upon time and when first I saw her, I discovered the miracle of a kind of love I had never imagined. Little Chloe's death dismantled me and connected me to a higher power. Who can say how, or why?

Divorce helped me discover self-love. The marriage was destroying my soul and somehow I was able to understand, through the dark wilds of its demise, that my soul was worth saving. I took a leap and found myself.

While death and divorce provided me with powerful awakenings, each of us will wake up in our own time and way. Miracles and mysteries, however, are only the starting point. Whatever the mysteries and miracles life offers each of us, we will still have to, as the Buddhists say, chop wood and carry water. In other words, inspiration and illumination need to be followed by effort and practice.

How to Chop Wood and Carry Water

Chopping wood and carrying water are metaphors for consistently and steadily practicing in order to deepen and maintain the things that make us love. Here are a few ways to love yourself and feel connected:

• Gratitude lists. Write down a minimum of three people or things for which you are grateful each day.
• Beauty & Wonder lists. Begin observing and writing down things you find beautiful or wonder-inspiring. This could be a blue, blue sky or it could be a crashing wave or a bright bird, the skeleton of a skyscraper, something shiny you found on the ground, or one of your own creations. Note: this is harder than it sounds!
• Generosity. Give everyday. Be generous with yourself, too. You are human and need all the care you can get.
• Meditation or prayer. Both of these activities allow you to sense your connection to something larger than yourself while also helping you become more conscious of how you experience yourself and your environment. Good stuff!
• Self-care. Sleep enough, eat enough and well, get exercise.
• Time with friends. Take the initiative. Reach out to others; do not wait for them to reach out to you.
• Fun. Humor and play go along with self-love and connection. Try to laugh and play everyday.

These suggestions, tested by me, should get you started but if you have more ideas I would, yes, love to hear them.

What To Do When Things Get Rough

Sometimes you will feel unloving, unloveable, and disconnected. That's rough!

When things get rough, which, because we are human they inevitably will, ritual, rhythm, and positive habits replace strength. I have a morning ritual, an evening ritual, and a work rhythm that I created for myself. When things are going poorly, I don't have to make decisions. I remember what I already know to do and do it. For example, I meditate for ten minutes nearly every night before I go to bed. I do this whether I feel good or bad, just like I brush my teeth everyday. Thoughtfully planning your life like this is an investment that helps you stay connected and demonstrates self-love.

If all else fails, put one foot in front of the other. Keep going. You'll get back on track soon enough.

Oh, yes. One more thing: Remember, in case you ever forget, that you are a mystery and a miracle, beautiful and precious.

{photo credit: Wikipedia}