“I don’t give a sh** what you think!”

Thank you, e lam, for suggesting this important single parenting topic.

I’m going to admit, right up front, that actually I *do* give a sh** what my ex-husband thinks. Hold on a sec and let me explain why.

As a divorced mother, I know first hand the pain of going through a divorce as well as the effect divorce had on my children. I felt guilty about this for at least two years into the process.

Then, sitting at my desk at work one day, I realized that had I stayed in my marriage I would have gone stark raving mad (and was already more than halfway there when we separated) and so, truly, even with all of the loss and logistical difficulty it brings, divorce was the right choice not only for me, but for my children as well.

My children now benefit from having a mostly sane mother. It’s better that way.

Reasons For Divorce

There are many reasons why people get divorced. I won’t get into them now, but we all know they are mostly unpleasant and, practically without exception, both parties are left heartbroken and pissed off, if not totally enraged.

Because you are focused on your own pain and survival, it is difficult to think of the other person as human, let alone giving a sh** what they think.

Divorce as Equalizer

I think of divorce as an equalizer.

This isn’t true for everybody, but for those of us who are educated and/or affluent, divorce can be an equalizer. Maybe he was jealous because you didn’t have to work. Maybe you felt bad because he was out in the world while you were stuck at home.

Perhaps working full time and not having help at home was a contributor to the divorce. It’s cleaner emotionally to organize those things without the baggage of hoping for a helping hand.

Now, especially if you have 50/50 custody, he is stuck at home more often and you are out in the world, making a living on your own but also, after you settle in, out having a good time while he has custody.

Your life may in certain ways be harder now. You have less help with housework, meals, carpools and childcare and, most likely, a heavier financial load. You may feel lonely.

But you also feel lighter and more energetic because you are not drained by a painful relationship. Your life is your own and you feel far more free.

You Are Not Free

The problem is, even though you have more equality now that you are divorced, you are not actually free.

Freedom, in my opinion, is a misunderstood concept anyway. People think it means, “I get to do whatever I want whenever I want,” but that’s not true.

Everyone has constraints. You have to attend to your body, you have to earn money, you have to deal with the results of your decisions and actions. You either have to deal with your ex-husband and his relationship with your children or deal with the consequences of not dealing with it!

So, what freedom really means is that you are not controlled by your desires and aversions. You are able to experience your emotions and let them go. You remain stable in both painful and pleasurable situations.

Freedom is accepting reality.

I know, I know. Easier said than done. (I'm struggling with that now. You can check my Tuesday heartbreaks for plenty of examples!)

Acceptance

The reality is, I have to take my ex-husband’s opinions under consideration because he has 50 percent custody and we agreed to split their expenses 50/50 as well.

This can be very annoying. For example, I really want to move to France and I can’t just pack my bags and go.

Other times, I feel tremendous gratitude that I am not a classic single mom, slaving away with a deadbeat father for baggage.

When I feel that I don’t give a sh** what he thinks (and believe me, it happens), that is a reflection of my own resistance, and my resistance makes me unfree.

Because I want to be free, I give a sh** what my ex-husband thinks.

How do you stay free, even with an ex-husband on board?