Theme Song: Faisons l'Amour Avant de Nous Dire Adieu
Today is a fine day for kitschy French love songs. After all, it is gray and cold outside and I learned this weekend that I will not be realizing my dream of taking the kids to France for a school year -- at least not this year or next.
If Mitt Romney is elected, that will certainly add injury to insult. And, my dreams of becoming a French lesbian are ever receding into the distance. . . .
The reason I'm not going is related to the children's father, God love him, so that is another (bitter) pill for this divorced woman to swallow. I mean, it just throws the fact that, even divorced, if you have children with another person, you are never really free of them.
When I told my ex-husband that he said, "Like herpes." I had to kind of chuckle at that one.
Besides, the alternative would be an uninvolved father which, as I know from personal experience, is much worse. So, France is out and so is bitterness.
This just leaves disappointment and sorrow. So, people, I'm in a funk as gray as the weather.
I could console myself with the fact that the Gigantes are going to the World Series, but, somehow, it's not directly reducing the pall.
Okay, maybe it's reducing the pall a little.
"Go Giants," she said feebly, raising a pale hand to her breast.
(Full disclosure: I was at the game last night, thanks to the children's father, and it ROCKED! I had so much fun cheering with my children, their dad, the guy next to me who was trying to get Beltran kicked out of the game and all the other fans. It made me proud to be a San Franciscan! Plus, the rain at the end was epic. It put that touch of uncertainty into the game that makes baseball great. . . .)
And now, after those inappropriately positive words from your sponsor, back to the pale hand at the breast:
But then I woke up this morning and remembered that I still have to set aside my dreams of France. I know, there will be other dreams. I know.
Losing love creates a series of losses. You don't just lose the person, you lose, maybe their country, their family, their friends, a travel companion, shared projects. So many losses rolled into one. And the longer or more serious the relationship, the more intense these losses can be. I really think it s**ks! And I hope you'll agree, because I don't want to be alone on this one.
An older divorced friend counseled me that this is only a temporary setback, that I can go to France later, when the children have left home (Yikes! Empty nest! More loss!). She said time will fly and I know in my heart she's right.
But, still. Things are definitely not working out for me how I had hoped. I know, I know: one door closes and another one opens. I know these things. . .and it is true that the Giants are going to the World Series and it looks like Mitt Romney won't get elected (please, no!).
I guess, realistically, the reason I feel like cr** is that breakups are hard. There's just no way around it.
Please Advise
Have you ever had to defer a dream, or lost one, because of a breakup? What did you do? How did you reconcile it?
Thanks for not one but TWO hearty belly laughs my dear. I read recently in an astrology prediction that sometimes something fails because it is preventing from an even bigger disaster. I have had some tough breakups in the past (mostly because the relationships themselves were like chewing on metal) but they always propelled me closer and closer to my path. I am here because of those failures. Reminding me of a quote from Guruji via Manouso, "Every day is an experiment. Some days are failed experiments."
ReplyDeleteLot of love and a great big salute! Cynthia
Just when I started to fear my life has no meaning, I get your comment that you got not one but TWO hearty belly laughs. I am SO glad! I liked what you said about preventing bigger disaster. Faith is important because it helps me remember that I don't know why things happen the way they do and I also can't control the outcomes. So, I have to just do my best and keep my sense of humor. Lots of love to you, Cynthia!
DeleteLove what you share so honestly, Anna, a great way to start my day. I feel your pain sistah! To keep me slogging thru the mud, every morning in bed,I start at my feet & thank each part of my body for still working so well, parts I take for granted like ankle bones or deltoids, remind me how lucky I am just to be healthy & relatively sane. And that I can get out of bed on my own & still wipe my own ass. Small triumphs, but I'm glad no one is forced to do that yet.
ReplyDeleteHave a great day in whatever crap or hole or smile you find yourself in.
Hey, elam,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you like my blog.
Funny, I do the same thing, basically, but I do it at night. If I can't sleep and I start to worry, I make myself say 100 nice things about myself. I usually start with my feet. Number one, I love my left baby toe. Number two, I love my left baby ring toe and so on. Usually I fall asleep way before 100, so those feet of mine are getting a lot of love. . . .
The other thing I do is start my day with three pages of free writing, 20 minutes of yoga and green tea. I have to get up earlier to do it, but by the time I'm smelling the jasmine pearl, I'm thinking, "It looks like I'm going to make it!"
Thank you for connecting. My day is better for it.
Love,
Anna
What happens to a dream deferred?
ReplyDeleteDoes it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
--Langston Hughes
"A Dream Deferred" is an overtly political reference to segregation, i.e., the violently-enforced norms of an insecure society based on mindless, feckless conformity and homogeneity that will shoot one's children for trying to enter some school.
A Raisin in the Sun, as you may know, is the Lorraine Hansberry play, made into the 1960 movie with Sidney Poitier, Ruby Dee and others.
(If anyone thinks Michelle Obama's arms are something, they should see Ruby Dee's arms in Raisin in the Sun <3! Anyway.)
Lorraine Hansberry, of course, is the person who politicized Nina Simone, the great Civil Rights era performer.
I think Mr. Hughes is wrong about all of those things posed, and presents a false dilemma. When it comes to any kind of love -- "being in love", familial, friendship, divine -- deferment, denial, truncation, cut-off realities of circumstances beyond ones' control is just the risk we take. Loss is the backstory to love. That is what makes it so precious.
Thank you so much for including the full text of this wonderful poem.
DeleteI had consciously decided to avoid politics and the issue of justice in the post because I thought it was just "too heavy" to tackle.
However, the issues of social and financial inequality have been on my mind lately, and I posted about them on Project Eve (http://projecteve.com/profiles/blogs/self-care-for-female-solopreneurs-more-than-a-day-at-the-spa) and on my ANNACOLIBRI blog (http://annacolibri.com/technology-and-orgasm-18-resources-to-get-you-started).
The reason justice is an issue in terms of this post is that, at the end of the day, divorced men usually end up with far more money and power then their ex-wives. These issues of equality of course influence decisions about where to live and how to raise the children.
Of course, this was true in the marriage and stays true afterward. It has to do with the wage gap and the social status conferred on men and women. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I can tell you -- it makes me angry.
As for love, I do NOT think it is precious as a result of loss. All is lost sooner or later, including hate. No one thinks hate is made precious because it is temporary.
In yoga and Buddhism we talk about the absolute and the relative truth. The relative truth refers to how we will live everyday, even thinking love is ours to lose. Of course it seems so real.
In the absolute, we are love and there is no loss.
This is hard to see or imagine when we are in such human pain. In fact, we have an imperative to address the relative truth. Otherwise, how could we address all of the injustice we face?
So, thank you, Laura, for a beautiful comment and an excellent reminder.