people who saY HELLO TO OTHERS ON THE STREET

Theme song: Strangers

I never met JohnPaul Euber, son, brother, friend, romantic partner and chef, until his death, at San Francisco's Greens restaurant. He died in a car accident early May 3rd and now those left behind are left to grieve.

Tonight I will go to him memorial service and join his parents, family, friends, colleagues and, of course, his fiancée, Eva.

The reason is that friends of friends cannot be there and asked me to bring a gift and a card on their behalf. I was honored to be of service. It is rare enough that you can do something truly meaningful for a friend.

Strangers

Because of the internet, I was able to find out a lot about JohnPaul in a short amount of time, including looking at his digital legacies on Facebook and MySpace.

Something that struck me was how much, at the end of the day, we had in common. Like me, he cared about food, was a proud San Franciscan and an affectionate, often exuberant person. Like me, he was flexible about music as long is it was "good," which is the way I feel about a lot of things.

Things I Found On The Ground

Last but not least, like me, he enjoyed photographing and posting pictures of dead animals. You can see examples of our work on Pinterest (and please feel free to add something you found on the ground if you are so moved).

Friends have teased me about the questionable taste of this habit, but now my sons point out dead birds and other animals we find. It's my "Things I Found On The Ground" series.

People who know me know that, following the death of my daughter, Chloe, I wanted to make friends with death, and that is what I have done -- to the extent, anyway, that I could.

Having taken the time to get to know death the way I have, I no longer fear it. In fact, I barely believe in it except as a transition in the endless cycle of life. Of course I'll never be able to ask JohnPaul, but maybe he, too, believed that death, as a part of life's cycle, is beautiful and moving.

Interestingly, among JohnPaul's MySpace photos of dead animals, he also had pictures of growing things -- maybe from his garden. He posted a closeup picture of Cécile Breunner roses -- what I call Chloe Roses.

I buried a tiny bouquet of those roses with my daughter and so, although they are not uncommon, it was another small surprise to see that he found them special, too, for reasons I will most likely never know.

It is not lost on me that this evening, in just a few hours, I will be meeting or at least seeing, a grieving mother. What dreams and objects, I wonder, does she bury with her son?

Heros

JohnPaul's MySpace profile had a category called "Heros." JohnPaul's answer, which I used as the headline, above, was "people who saY HELLO TO OTHERS ON THE STREET."

My sons and I, when we are walking together to school, say hello to others on the street. Some of the people we see are "on our route" and so they have gotten used to us and now say "hi" back. My sons have said we're training them to say hello.

I wish I could ask JohnPaul, "What do you think is stranger, posting pictures of dead animals or saying hello to others?" Today it seems that both are considered a little unusual -- after all, you don't have to say hello to "others" when you can be texting your friends instead.

Gifts From The Dead

There are so many things the dead can teach us. If I were not going to his memorial, I would not have scrutinized JohnPaul's social media the way I did. I would not have given it so much meaning or tried to make connections between us. JohnPaul's death, is, for me, a reminder that we can always look for the good in other people, ways to make connection and, if nothing else, pay attention.

The dead teach us that, although we are all to some degree strangers we can also be lovers. Or at least reach out and say "hello."

Maybe, sometimes, that's all it takes to be a hero.

The End

It was wonderful, and moving, to read that JohnPaul's last words to his big brother, Carl, were "I love you, bro. I always will."

It sums up, in many ways, this specific experience of love -- and loss.

Your Turn

Do you agree? Is it in some sense heroic to reach out to strangers? Any other thoughts about what we can learn from death on this unusually sad -- yet radiant -- day?

P.S. Erika, I didn't forget about you! Tune in next week.