Unrequited Love For Erika

Theme song: Anna let me in let me out

Alright, peeps, this is my first post as a 44 year-old woman and I'm feelin' good. Among other things, I woke up this morning with a blast from the past from the magnificent and beautiful Carissa Coleman.

Although it only in the very most oblique terms references unrequited love -- I don't speak German, so you can correct me here -- it appears that the lead singer has an interest in Gita, Berthe and Anna (if not others) and they have not shown him the same interest.

Perhaps they don't want to be associated with stripy blue sunglasses and cutting corn with electric guitars.

Unrequited Love

So, Erika, what about unrequited love?

Here's the thing:

I don't believe in unrequited love. At least not in the absolute sense of that term.

What IS Love?

The first thing is to define what I mean by love.

Love is the currency that makes up the very material and immaterial fabric of all we know and all we cannot know. It exists in infinite abundance and cannot be bought or sold. There is always enough and it flows freely within us and all around us.

I know it sounds weird to say that something is a currency and a fabric, but love is both flowing and vibrating and also structural. It is, of course, many other things besides. It is -- contrary to appearances -- the building blocks of all there is.

I am well aware it doesn't always seem that way. In fact, it doesn't always seem that way to me. You may recall Adventureland if you don't believe me.

I really understand not getting what you want. It happens to me everyday (although less and less the more I want what I have).

Having said I do not believe in unrequited love, I will also say that not believing in unrequited love is easy for me because (thank goodness!) it is one of the misfortunes I have not been forced to endure.

Love is an exchange among equals. The more equality you have, the more love you have. That is because inequality causes fear and fear cannot exist where love is (although love will embrace fear as needed).

Here's a couple of stories that I hope will illustrate my thinking:

1. The Mustard Seed

   This is the very famous story of Kisa Gotami who lost her only son and went to the Buddha and asked him to resurrect the child. He promised he would, but then stipulated she must bring a handful of mustard seeds from a house that has not known death. Kisa wandered from house to house carrying her dead son in her arms, as any mother would, only to find that no house was free from death. And so she became enlightened and buried her child. -- Adapted from sacred-texts.com

2. The Death of Marpa's Child

   WHEN DEATH OCCURRED to the child of Marpa, Milarepa's master, he cried so sadly that his disciples flocked around him and asked, "Master, didn't you say that the world is only an illusion? Why are you crying so brokenheartedly just because your son has died?" MARPA ANSWERED THEM, "Yes, everything is illusionary, but the death of a child is the greatest illusion of them all!" (Master and everyone laugh.) HE couldn't bear it. WHEN THE BIRTH or death relates to us or to our relatives and friends, our feelings are involved. Then we realize clearly that the world is indeed ephemeral. The world is truly unreliable. If it is other people's business, we wouldn't be so deeply affected emotionally. We might even talk lightheartedly, "Well! Never mind! The world is ephemeral; people come and go all the time." (Master laughs.) We may even console them. However, when it concerns our personal feelings, or when it happens to our relatives or friends, we will have different feelings. -- As told by the Supreme Master Ching Hai

Love, in my opinion, is not an illusion. As I said, it's what we, everything -- and even the "nothingness" I call God -- are made of.

What Is Unrequited Love?

Ask yourself, when you feel unrequited love, what you are feeling. Is it fear, anger, disappointment or sorrow? When you are feeling those things, you are not feeling love (although it is buried within you).

Unrequited love is an experience of the ego. The ego wants something, bless it's little soul, that it's not getting. And so the ego fights back. And the ego is, of course, quite powerful and so it creates the pain and strife that keep you locked in place or moving forward with bad habits.

I'm really not knocking this. My ego is always ready to jump into the game. I go crazy about 50 times per day (ask Laura and the kids).

Working with things that seem heartbreakingly real and being told they are illusion can really seem like a slap in the face.

I believe there are readers among you (and Erika, a spiritual practitioner and conscious woman is one of them) who can take this in the spirit it is intended.

I'll ask again: When you love someone who doesn't love you, or who pulls the bait and switch, or who says they really like you but they aren't ready for a commitment or you're so great but too bad you aren't a little taller/shorter/fatter/thinner, what do you feel body, mind, spirit?

Is it love?

Try The Two Truths Method

What can you do about this?

I know, or I can guess, how awful unrequited love feels. How confusing. How much longing and desire can be brought to the table.

Here is my suggestion. Use the "two truths" method. Here's how you do it:

1. Imagine someone (could even be a pet) with whom you exchange "real" love. Summon up the feelings and place them in the palm of your left hand, palm up towards the sky, gently cupped.
2. Feel strongly into that love until you are embodying it at least to some degree and silently name your sensations.
3. Next, imagine this lover of yours, who doesn't love you the way you want to be loved. Summon up the feelings and place them in the palm of your right hand, palm up towards the sky, gently cupped.
4. Feel strongly into your feelings for this person until you are embodying them at least to some degree and silently name your sensations.
5. Here comes the tricky part: Feel both sets of sensations at the same time. Feel your upraised palms and the feelings radiating in and around them. Since you are not gripping your palms, the feelings are free to grow, change and circulate. Let them.
6. Breathe into these feelings. Accept them for what they are. Don't try to change them. Try to dive into them as you would water and experience them fully (of course you will not become water and you, also of course, are not your emotions, though they may literally inundate you). Rest in this position for just a few moments.
7. To finish, rub your palms together and blow air into them. Shake your hands and wrists. Stand up and stomp around a little.
8. Repeat as the spirit moves you.

That is my suggestion for healing unrequited love.

Your Turn

What do you do about unrequited love? It's a tough one, so give us your suggestions!