Choice

Theme song: Freedom of Choice

I wrote, over a year ago, a post for this blog called No Choice. That post was about Sandy Hook and all the parents who will have no choice but to accept the deaths of their children -- if they want to be happy.

In fact it seems odd to offer happiness to one who has lost a child -- or anything equally precious, such as freedom.

Some losses and some deprivations are so great and so grand that they make happiness seem tangential or perhaps just beside the point -- and yet.

And yet I believe we have an obligation to strive for happiness, not the kind of happiness you see on TV or imagine possessed by friends and acquaintances, but the real kind. The kind that allows us to be the best of who we can -- and by extension already are -- be.

By this I mean that we all carry within us the the seed of our own greatness.

Nourishing that seed is a life's work and can't, truly, be measured by anyone but each of us.

Our own greatness is the only gift we have to give and give it we must.

Why?

Because we are part of something bigger than ourselves -- that much is clear to thinking people, Westernized notions of "it's all about me" set aside.

The question is, and always will be, how do we do it? How do we achieve the kind of greatness that reveals all of who we are thus allowing us to give all we have to give?

Is there only one way?

In a sense, there is only one way to achieve personal greatness (self actualization) and that is, in fact, the way we do it.

Choice happens moment by moment, second by second, and then it is gone -- a relic of the past and a vision of the future.

Each choice we make has repercussions, that is what we call karma.

We like to think we control the results of our choices, but all we control -- and for most people that control is tenuous at best -- is our responses.

In my opinion choice is often both illusory and over rated.

The reason that choice is illusory is that we do not make our choices in a vacuum -- every decision is mediated by our culture and our status within that culture -- as well as factors such as temperament and biology.

I often think I would enjoy being a prima ballerina in the New York City ballet.

All things being equal, I think I would make an excellent ballerina. It's even possible that realizing this desire would allow me to give all I have to give.

So it would behoove me to choose it, right?

Maybe not.

One reason that choice is over rated is that, when choosing one thing you inevitably choose against another.

Let's just say I were to be accepted as the New York City Ballet's oldest, shortest, chubbiest (erm, curviest), weakest, least flexible début prima ballerina.

I would have to move away from my children or create a custody arrangement with my ex husband that would be painful and difficult for everyone involved. What kind of a choice would that be?

I cannot describe the limitations of choice better than Sheena Iyengar, who has researched choice extensively and internationally:

via @LB Johnson

She explores the many ways in which people feel overwhelmed by choice, make bad decisions when exposed to too many choices as well as cultural differences in attitudes towards choice.

Her most poignant example of choice is around families who "choose" to take their babies off life support versus those whose "choice" is made for them.

In France, doctors choose for families while in America, where choice is so revered, American families have no choice but to choose -- despite resultant increased levels of guilt and depression.

The reason I'm exploring all this is that I visited a Korean family over the weekend and learned that Korean women are known to choose plastic surgery in remarkable numbers.

Laura then uncovered a disturbing story about a Gangnam plastic surgeon who used women's jaw bones as lobby décor, which I posted on Facebook:

Post by Anna Colibri.

The Facebook post generated a lively conversation. Choice was one of the themes.

I think plastic surgery is often chosen the way people choose to take their babies off life support. It is not a joyful, life affirming choice. It is a choice resulting from no choice.

At root it is a painful, fraught "choice" that often results in regret (I say this having researched the number of people who regret plastic surgery. The internet rabbit hole revealed a range of estimates from 20 to 70%).

Friends, I'm a middle aged woman who has had three babies and sits in a chair most of the day. I understand a desire for things to be different.

The truth, though, is that you can run but you can't hide. There is no real way to cheat age or death.

Plastic surgery does not reveal the gift you give when you realize the truth of who you are -- it is is a choice made possible by money and technology and encouraged by fear and self-loathing.

Fear, self-loathing and happiness do not easily co-reside. So I say, when given this kind of choice, choose not to choose -- but only if you want to be happy (not the kind of happy you see on TV or imagine is possessed by friends and acquaintances, but the real kind).

Your Turn

What is your choice?