No, Really, Motha F***ah, I Am The Best

Theme song: Under Pressure

My business coach, bless her soul, has asked me to say to myself, all day, throughout the day:

"I am the best."

Can you imagine me, at stop lights, in conversation, eating burritos, mentally humming along, "I am the best, I am the best, I am the best, I am the best."

Yeah -- it makes me feel mental just imagining it.

I don't want to say that. Or even be that. It's a little too much like leaning in, if you know what I mean (and I seriously hope this doesn't mean I'm doomed to failure -- but we're on the way to finding out so hold tight!).

That said, I do want to be the best I can be.

Let me tell, you that's hard enough on a good day. Because, you know, with all my health, wealth, experience and intelligence I better be f***ing good. No pressure.

That's what I tell my children, bless their receptive little souls.

I tell them something else, as well:

Success is about being the best you can be AND it is about being happy while you do it.

As you know, I'm building a business.

In a well-timed moment of discouragement, I applied for a job-job.

Don't get me wrong: It wasn't any job-job. It was a job-job for a green company (fits my values) with an entrepreneurial job description that closely matches what I do for clients anyway with the added enticement of more health insurance, less hustle. You get the idea.

After I applied online, the application site offered me a free résumé evaluation.

I was excited! I thought, "Man, this will be a big help."

Well, you guys are either less gullible or more cynical than I am, but you know what I got: A long sales letter explaining that my résumé makes me seem like a "doer" and not an "achiever" and, for a discounted sum, they would be more than happy to fix my doerism -- at least on paper.

Plus, added bonus, I'm on their subscriber list.

It's enough, really, to make me want to cruise around Frisco like a homeless schizophrenic muttering, "I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm the best. No, really, motha f***ah, I'm the best."

I mean, that really stung.

I guess partially because in a way it's kinda sorta true.

Let's take talking. I like having conversations with my friends.

That's called doing.

Just so you know, of the last 10 conversations I've had, I converted 30% of the participants into paying customers -- 3 times the human interaction average.

That's called achieving.

I believe that, making bank aside, that is a very isolating, soul-disturbing way to live.

Or, to put it another way, I don't want to do it.

You will tell me I can have both doing and achieving. It's called compartmentalization and it's a learned behavior just like everything else.

People learn. I'm a person. I can learn to achieve from my home office and do when I'm at home. Being a certified yoga teacher, I'll light a little incense and chant "om" or "I'm the best" to ease the transition between the two.

It's not that I want to be out there doing random stuff with no results, but I can tell you that having a goal for every conversation and quantifying the results of everything I do so that it looks good for prospects (used to be called acquaintances) or employers is, at best, tiring. At worst it results in cynicism.

People, cynicism is the last thing I want. In my world, it is the true signal of defeat. Cynicism is not love and it is not happiness. They do not go together.

Since I'm someone who writes sales copy, it's a little silly to fall into the trap I'm helping create (I'm talking about the free résumé assistance again. Keep up,okay?).

I guess you could even call it naive, innocent and "out of touch with reality" -- all of which I have been called.

Still, for just a little minute or two or three I remembered that I don't want to manipulate people. Ever.

Can someone please explain to me how to make a living in a capitalist society without stepping on some toes or killing some souls?

I'm still trying to figure it out. And I think I will figure it out because, as you know, "I'm the best."

Victory, as far as I can tell, treads the razor's edge between silliness and cynicism. Knowledge without pain you might call it.

That's what I call achievement -- along with doing my best and being happy.

Here's the other thing:

You know all those "achievers"? They are the financial equivalent of air brushed super models. Think about it: Today's rock star is named Mark Zuckerburg, not Mick Jagger.

These financial super models look great and we wish we were them (well, some of us do).

Mark's an achiever alright. But comparing myself to him is like comparing myself to Beyoncé or Cindy Crawford.

It's just not realistic.

As Cindy Crawford once said, "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford!"

It's easy to think that Mark Zuckerberg's bank account is a "simple fact," but the truth is I really don't know what combination of luck, skill, privilege and timing brought him where he is. I also have no way of knowing whether he's leading a successful -- by which I mean doing his best AND feeling happy -- life just because he's rich.

Really, I don't.

Just like lamenting I'm not as beautiful as Beyoncé, it is harmful and self-destructive for me to think that I should achieve on the level of a Jobs or a Zuckerburg (Just to be clear, I don't. On the other hand, when I worry about the landlord raising my rent I sometimes kind of really hope I'll find a box of money or some buried treasure. And I, you know, keep my eyes open just in case.).

That is why, just as selling media fantasies to young girls about how they should look is harmful, so is selling ideas of quick success startup style. Or massive wealth achieved by any means.

At the end of the day, though, the free résumé people have a point.

It is useful to set goals and it is useful to have benchmarks and ways to measure your success. That way, when it's appropriate, you can break out the champagne or, if you've quit drinking like I have, give yourself a big, fat pat on the back.

I do hope -- and, to be fair, I'm an eency weency bit worried about this -- that the only thing standing between me and massive wealth is not my unwillingness to wander the streets saying "I'm the best."

As a compromise, here's what I'm going to do: I am going to avoid under rating doing and over rating achieving because I believe, even under pressure, that the true measure of success is -- well -- being.