Am I Worthy? It Hurts to Wonder

Theme song: Mercy

Am I worthy?

Answering this question is one of my struggles. I guess you could call it a chronic illness, something deep with which I have struggled for a long time. And when it flares up, the suffering can be quite acute.

Puzzling this question out in a public forum is a little scary, but I think it has value because I know that I am not the only one who lives with the question of worthiness.

Last week I wrote, rather triumphantly, about my personal transformation. I've come to see that, often, when I reach a new plateau, I immediately either experience a period of regression or face up to the opposite.

I'll blog about how great my relationship is, then get into a giant fight.

Or, I'll be excited about how much money I earn in a given month only to find the next month is a little dry.

I guess what that shows is that life is a series of cycles and that transformation is not a result, it's a process.

Last week I made a lot of changes, including:

• Finishing my cleanse (and losing 10 pounds -- love the waistline)
• Changing to a new networking group
• Changing business coaches and (long story)
• Getting and quitting a contract all in one week

So, here I am, again facing the ugly "little" question of my worthiness. I call it ugly because feeling unworthy creates tremendous fear -- in my case so much that I was having trouble breathing and chest pains that still haven't completely abated.

Anxiety is a colleague of mine, but we hadn't lately had the opportunity to work on such a big project.

Boy, is it exhausting. In fact, it's so exhausting to deal with anxiety that in addition to fear, I have to battle a sense of meaninglessness. The question is not only, am I worth it, but is it worth it, with "it" being, I guess, the struggle to feel worthy.

It's as if the very act of advocating for myself, doing what's best for me, set off a fear reaction. I learned in yoga school that it's our spiritual task to develop healthy egos for the purpose of leaving the ego behind. But the ego doesn't want to be left behind and fear is a great way to keep a person in her place.

To my credit and joy, I can't let fear of unworthiness stop me. I have a job to do (it's called my life), and I want to do it. My ego probably isn't used to this new Anna, this Anna who not only believes in herself but is showing signs of success and is willing to stand up for herself.

Despite real physical pain, waking up in the middle of the night and in the early morning shaking with fear, I have kept putting one foot in front of the other, getting my work done, taking care of my kids, socializing and reaching out for help as needed. When it became almost more than I could bear, Laura was there to hold me.

You know, fear like this, fear which is so old and so primal, doesn't need many words. Holding and tolerating will do. And, mind you, I have been getting through this without a drop of drugs or alcohol. I didn't spend a bunch of money, go gambling, watch too much TV, or even eat a bunch of carbs.

I have been present for this whole thing, stone cold sober. So, fear, Ha! on you!

And, of course, being a writer, I decided to write about it and do a little research in the process.

Just for your edification, here's a little snapshot (adapted from a Wayne Dyer blog post) about what your life would (or does!) look like if you have a balanced sense of worthiness. You:

1. Understand a sense of worthiness comes from within and no one can give it to you
2. Accept yourself without complaint or conditions
3. Take full responsibility for your life without blaming others -- or yourself
4. Choose to live a guilt-free life and you
5. Align your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors accordingly

Sheesh, mama, that's a lot. But it looks pretty good from where I'm standing.

Now, this isn't a self-help blog, but I'll give you a window into what I'm doing to help myself live with a sense of worthiness, just in case you've ever had doubts and could use a leg up:

• Meditation
• Journaling
• Getting enough sleep
• Getting exercise
• Eating well
• Texting my AA sponsor
• Going to meetings
• Reading uplifting books and quotes
• Spending time with my children
• Reaching out to trusted loved ones
• Breathing through discomfort
• Staying to my regular schedule
• Turning my situation over to my higher power
• Researching how to feel worthy on the internet
• Considering how I would "judge" someone else in my situation
• Recognizing my achievements
• Appreciating that difficult feelings are temporary
• Enjoying myself whenever I can and
• Practicing gratitude

Of course, logically, I understand that I am just as worthy as anyone else -- not more, not less.

At this point, fear and anxiety are feeling kind of straight jackety -- like an ill-fitting pair of jeans they are not me, but they are affecting me. A past me might not have been able to tell the difference.

That is called progress.

Please wish me the best (I think positive energy helps, too) and let me know if you have any tips that have helped you get through periods of fear or self-doubt.

Oh, and: Have a great day!