Grace & Deterioration (Splitting Apart)

Theme song: Sri Krishna

Recently, I consulted the I Ching, an ancient Chinese divination system I have used since childhood. I wouldn't usually publish my questions to the I Ching online, but here goes:

"Dear I Ching, As you know I would like to earn my living as a writer and am making progress. I have learned a way [self-publishing] to begin publishing my memoirs and other creative fiction and nonfiction in addition to my SEO Copywriting. I feel thrilled and scared about the possibility that my ambitions can be realized. What is my best strategic direction now to earn more than I spend, living as a professional writer?"

I have noticed that sometimes, when the answer does not seem to make sense, I'll quickly find that the I Ching has answered, not my stated question, but the one I perhaps should have asked.

When I asked about writing, above, I was unaware that my life had already fundamentally changed and that my identity as a writer was just one of many shifts.

It's always hard to say when something starts, which is why I find it practical and comforting to recognize certain events or combinations of events as symbolic or, sometimes, as gateways marking transition.

In this case, I went on vacation to Stinson Beach. Seven years ago, my marriage -- at least symbolically -- ended at Stinson Beach. In seven years, a person's cells turn over one time and he or she is entirely new in that way.

I did not know, as I played in the surf with Laura and my children that, across the world, my former husband was proposing marriage.

But maybe I did know. He texted me a picture of himself with his new fiancée that struck me as somehow odd and I showed that picture to several people, asking what they thought it meant. Opinions varied; no one said it indicated coming nuptials.

Travel, for me, is about transformation. Journeys allow us to go outside our lives so we can contemplate them with perspective. I usually ask a coming journey a question and listen for the answer. This time, I asked, what does seven years of divorce mean for me? Where have I been in these seven years? Where am I now?

Walking on the beach by myself, collecting tiny, perfect sand dollars, the thought came to me, "May my life be as beautiful and fruitful as the sea."

I read a book a day during that vacation, and came home inspired to read another one about self-publishing. Wouldn't it be amazing if I could, for example, spend hours making each one of these blog posts as lovely as a sand dollar? What if I could take the time to write the five stories of my life and make each one sparkle like the sea?

The I Ching told me I was suspended in Grace (22) and that I was seeing life in its ideal form, beautiful and perfect. True, true. The ocean offers us that as we play and watch -- yes! -- dolphins glistening as they jump in perfect arcs and sea lions body surf nearby. Very soon, though, the I Ching said, I would experience Deterioration (23), a situation in which my desires and loves were irrelevant and the only way through was emotional generosity, and "wisdom in the acceptance of the times."

During this time, my kindred spirit moved back to Gangnam, my yoga teacher died, I broke up with Laura (we're back together now) and, literally, my world shook with the recent earthquake. A look at my finances revealed that, in fact, I had, for the first time since my divorce, met my stated goal to earn more than I spend -- something for which I have worked very hard, and which required me to believe in myself when not so many others did. Meanwhile, I was attending Landmark Education's Advanced Course, learning that not only do I matter, but so do you.

That thought, "I matter, you matter, we matter," may sound empty and meaningless and, in fact, it is. What counts, really, are the actions we take that stand for such a statement. For me, in the moment when I truly took it in and accepted its implications, I went beyond concept and into a world of peace, joy, and radiant possibility.

Yet the tide flows in and out, and I find myself tossed between a world of separation and a world of unity, Grace (22) and Deterioration (23), splitting myself apart from the way I have lived my life (a good life, to be sure) and the possibility of a life lived not as knowing, but as being freedom and transformation for myself and everyone.

Your Turn

Have you experienced moments, or times, of Grace & Deterioration -- events that caused you to go to a place from which there could be no return?