If Not by Man

Theme song: Once In a Lifetime

Having been distracted for a month by #NaNoWriMo, I woke up today left with an empty space inside where my novel used to be because (Yes!) I did in one month complete 55,000 words. Nature, as they say, abhors a vacuum and so, into that space, fear of being single flowed.

About being single I can say that I enjoy the freedom of it, but miss the animal snuggles of coupled life. I also feel an ongoing antipathy to the idea of being single. After all, it wasn't supposed to be this way.

The single life wasn't the future I had at all imagined for myself. In a former life I was to be married forever, and while that seemed right, it wasn't. Now being single is right, but it doesn't always feel that way.

Why is it right?

It is right for me to be without a partner if my relationship is not joyful and I can't figure out a way to make it joyful. It is right for me to get to know myself, and confront my fears of being alone. It is right for me to discover life in a new way. It is right for me to learn to independently set the terms of my life, insofar as these terms are settable.

Then why doesn't it feel right?

Old habits die hard. It's easy to believe the hype that being, if not married, solidly coupled, is an essential part of what it takes to be happy and successful. And let's not forget the very human longing for love and connection, the satisfaction of which is thought to require sex and romance.

While I'll freely admit that, to thrive, humans need love and connection, it seems more than obvious that "having a boyfriend" is not enough to satisfy our existential thirst.

As I write those words, I feel an ache. I wonder, Who will love me? Yet I know that I am loved and held, if not by man then by God.

{Photo credit: Wikimedia}