Mixed Bag

Theme Song: If It Makes You Happy

Maybe you are one of those people who sincerely loves the holidays. If that's the case, more power to you and I want to know your secrets (in the comments, below, please).

However, if you are a little more like me and the holidays leave you with, shall we say, mixed feelings, come along with me and let's excavate.

Legitimate Reasons The Holidays S***

• Your routine is thrown off. (for example, I have no childcare while my kids are on break. If it makes me happy, how the h*** am I going to get anything done?)
• Money pressure. (I know, I know. Some of us are totally flush. Others are building businesses and trying to make two ends meet and yeah, we live in a highly materialistic society in which, no, people are not always satisfied with a card and coupon book for on demand hugs in the new year. Ask Eartha Kitt if you don't believe me.)
• Pressure. (Is the house clean? Is the turkey moist? Did I spend three hours in traffic? Did I call my mom?)
• Weight gain, fatigue and hangovers. (Need I say more?)

Okay, here's where we get serious.

Expectations

No matter how hard we try, or even if we think we don't have them, I think expectations make the holidays difficult. We want the day and the time to be special, especially if we have friends and family around. But "special" is one of those mysterious qualities that cannot be bought.

Even as kids, we opened our presents, it was all over, and we thought, "Is that it?" Probably adults feel this way, too, but we repress it. Or drink more.

Another thing to consider: "Consumerism has, in a weird way, replaced religion," said my friend Stephen Standridge when I asked him for his two cents about why the holidays can be hard. I think he's right.

In the old days (and I know, just because it's old, doesn't mean it's better), the Holy Days were structured around an unvarying yearly routine that did fulfill expectations. Really, the holidays were organized around deeper meanings that we have to stretch for today.

You could get radical. You could tell everyone, this year there will be no big spending. Kids, you could say, we're spending the day in silent contemplation. (To me it sounds pretty d*** good, but I think it would be a hard, er, sell. So, if you decide to suggest it, don't tell them it was my idea.)

Nostalgia

For me, this one is the biggie. I went back to my home town this year with a date not, mind you, a husband or even a second husband.

I'm not complaining. As you know, I've had an amicable divorce so I could go back to the living room on the same couch where I sat for over 15 years and sit with my ex-family and my children and unwrap presents and smile and joke with the best of 'em.

However, getting real, the home town, the couch, the ex-family. They all remind me of what could have been. Expectations and dreams dashed, yes.

Although they have been replaced as wholesomely as possible, it's still true that some things died, namely:

• My youth
• My marriage
• My past future--whatever that is!

Who needs it? Obviously not me. But. Still.

So, if you're feeling a little punky, I don't blame you and I won't judge you. Why? Because I love you!

Legitimate Reasons The Holidays Rock

(You may notice that some of this is the same as above, but with a different 'tude.)

• You get to mix it up. If you're less neurotic than I am or have better childcare options, a change of pace is welcome fun.
• It's fun to go all out some of the time. So spending money on people you love, including great meals and presents, can be lovely and satisfying.
• It was Robert Heinlein who said, "Moderation in everything. Even moderation." I think, if you are a generally conscious person, drinking too much, eating too much and sleeping not enough can be inspiring and instructive.
• Memories can, and often are, quite beautiful. I feel grateful, for example, to have grown up in such a beautiful little town and I appreciate the influence all of that beauty had on me. And, of course, we generate new memories as we go along.
• Spending time with friends and family, even if at times difficult, is ultimately a blessing.
• Getting presents is fun. I got new knives, French and English language versions of Je Sais Cuisiner, France's "cooking bible," and a copy of the Chicago Style Manual (for which you, too, can be grateful because that means my writing in 2013 will be that much more shiny and precise).

Here's something I will treasure from Christmas 2012:

I will treasure the puff of steam that rose from the pie my step-uncle (can you say, "blended family?") offered at the end of the Christmas meal.

You see, he is a man who makes pie with focused care and, as I sat in front of a fire on this rainy Christmas, I watched him make the whole thing. And I saw him check the pie and lay it out to cool a bit. I saw how he whipped the cream, not too much and not too hard.

He made me a delicious cup of coffee with heated milk in just the right quantity and offered our guest the first piece, which he cut so there would be no cracks or breaks on the pie's shiny, sugary surface.

When the wedge of pie was lifted from its home, out curled a puff of steam. And I thought, "How perfect. How beautiful. Thank you for making this pie."

So, if you love the holidays, I don't blame you and I won't judge you. Why? Because I love you!

The Opportunity

When I started to realize that I was feeling a little bluesy, I didn't want to fight the feelings. I wanted to give myself the gift of being out of sorts. And I wanted to find out what these bluesy feelings were trying to offer me. Here's what I noticed:

• I treasured my marriage and I miss, especially, the settled, grounded quality my life had when I was married.
• I wish, for my bright and beautiful children, that the marriage had ultimately been a happy one.
• Looking at my youth from farther and farther away is, how shall I say, fa-reaky. (And, bonus, it just seems to get fa-reakier and fa-reakier.)
• I get scared when my routine is thrown off because I feel a lot of pressure to succeed in my business, so taking breaks is hard.
• I hate hangovers.
• I like Christmas carols.
• I love Jonjo's enthusiasm for getting the biggest tree possible, even though getting the mothah out of the house and cleaning up pine needles until the following November kinda sorta haunts me a little.

The Take-Home

In these ways the holidays offer me opportunities for reflection, self-care and new vacuum cleaner bags. What do you get out of the holidays? And what do they cost you?