How to Get Along With a Teenager

Theme song: Song For The Baby

As those who know me know, I decided to schedule a mom-and-son trip with each of my children.

It was a great decision with a great outcome. I feel closer to my each of my children and more equipped to handle their transition into adulthood as a result of our adventures. A little dedicated attention goes a long way, I learned.

Of all the people I've known and loved, my relationships with my children have been the easiest, most intimate, and straightforward. That said, relationships are not easy. And my children are becoming adults, not-so-slowly, but surely. In my opinion the fact of their impending adulthood makes things harder.

Children are kind of simple. They have needs and you fulfill them. As the relationship shifts from dependency to equality and, perhaps, back to dependency (my own, next time around), dynamics will change. Throw changing geography and romantic relationships into the mix, and it's hard to say what the future holds.

Here's something: My son is taller than I am. I never felt small until this happened, but now I do. It is a very strange feeling looking up to someone who used to swim in my belly. He's bigger, faster, and stronger than I am. It's humbling, and that's a good thing.

He also seems to exhibit some of the same jittery energy as a racehorse when he doesn't want to spend hours at a time watching television while he plays video games and texts his friends. An expert multi-tasker in the making? I suppose that's what it takes these days.

As a result, I made an executive decision to lead by example and stay off phones and devices when I am with living human beings in a non-work environment. To maintain my sanity and sense of civility, I will continue to enforce a no-device policy at meals. If asked, I will share my middle-aged lady concern that smartphones may be eroding our ability to connect and to "be here now," as it were. For the moment, I feel comfortable letting the new generation make their digital mistake, if it is one, without impotent intervention.

Some of what I did on the trip was hold my tongue--about technology, just as an example. As you can maybe imagine, that's not easy for me. Yes, I have an opinion about everything. But I focused on staying humble before the force of, as Kahlil Gibran put it so well, "life's longing for itself." Our children are not ours, he says, but part of a dynamic trajectory towards an infinite future.

Teenagers make that obvious.

And yet.

They are scared and vulnerable, hence the nervous racehorse vibe. Why rub it in? My job, more than ever, is to be a force of love and acceptance, a force of sturdy presence.

Teenagers need lots of space, I think, but they need to know you are there. And, of course, in contemporary society they cannot fend for themselves. We must provide them with housing, food, clothing, education, and money for movies. We shape their futures by facilitating positive experiences, not knowing what the results will be.

Sometimes teenagers are mean. They can't always control themselves, perhaps because we are no longer allowed to beat them, or maybe because of the firehose of hormones coursing through their bloodstreams. When that happens, stay clear about your values, keep silent as often as not, be patient, and have a sense of humor. It's sort of like trying to photograph birds. You have to wait patiently and quietly for the birds to come to you and when you are quiet and still enough, come to you they do.

Also: Why not enter the teenager's world? During our trip to Chicago, I traded six episodes of Law and Order for two hours in the Chicago Art Institute. The verdict? "Yeah, it was cool." As for me, I had never seen Law and Order before. Now I'm addicted! I've started watching from the beginning, using Hulu. By being open to sharing interests with a teenager, you not only open space to share what's important to you, you learn new things, too.

You know how sometimes you have expectations and they are dashed? I had a lot of confidence that my little summer trips with my children would be successful.

There are few areas in my life in which I experience quiet confidence. My children, not always, but often, inspire that in me. I think the reason is that my love for them is independent of them. I wish I could love everybody like that.