Did I Do Something Wrong?

Theme song: Stronger

A few weeks ago I wrote a post called, Did I Do Something Right? That post was about making a mistake that didn't end up feeling like a mistake because of the attitudes and the chemistry of the people involved.

Since then, I've made a few more mistakes, and I've had to look at what causes mistakes and what I should do about it. I've also looked at why making mistakes upsets me as much as it does. I mean, I see people making mistakes and their attitude is more "que sera" than my more "where's a tall building?" mindset. So what's my deal?

The first thing I like to do when something "bad" happens is find out whether it was my fault. My brain just scrambles to know. I try really hard to stay away from blame--whether that be blaming other people or blaming myself. But I really do secretly love it when things aren't my fault.

If a mistake is my fault, I determine whether I was in integrity when it happened. Practically by definition, when you're making a mistake, you're not in integrity. Something is "off." So I guess what I mean is, I have to ask myself if I was cowardly or malicious or anxious or some other of the issues I live with that lead to mistakes.

Fortunately, it is extremely rare that I act from malice.

Sometimes, I make mistakes because I am afraid to be honest with someone, so I sort of glide over communication. I glide over the communication with myself, first, and then I stick my head in the sand. The people around me can't always take proper actions, which leads to mistakes indirectly caused by me--not to mention frustration and wasted time. So excellent communication is key in avoiding errors.

It's really a bad strategy, and it isn't helped by rushing, which is another reason I make mistakes. Like rushing water, a lot is coming at me and I take action without thinking things through carefully enough. I get ahead of myself. Rushing and busyness lead to sloppiness.

Another thing in my world that causes mistakes is anxiety. When I'm anxious enough, when I feel I'm in that familiarly unpleasant and too tight metal jacket, I really can't concentrate as well or make the best decisions because I'm spending too much energy managing the discomfort. I've mentioned anxiety many times in this blog, and I'm here to repeat that anxiety s****s! It's so grinding and physically unpleasant and, like I said, draws energy away from what's really important.

It really doesn't help that I decided, from a young age, that I would be "beyond reproach," which gets to the crux of the attitude question. I remember consciously thinking that for the first time when I worked as a maid at the Centrella Hotel. I was 12 or 13 years old. What I meant, of course, was that I would never be reproached because no one would ever know that I had made a mistake.

No wonder I sometimes feel that the metal jacket is a bit too tight!

At the end of the day, mistakes are going to be made. That's human.

Hiding mistakes is of course a losing game. I've decided, as of this minute, to drop "beyond reproach" like a hot potato.

Instead, my new motto is "never hide." True, I got it from a Ray-Bans ad campaign but, you know what? They spoke to me. And this is not a loophole, but: Never hide doesn't mean "let it all hang out." This idea of being fierce and fearless enough to tell the truth about myself and poised enough to know when and how to tell that truth excites me. I think it might be a sign of latent maturity.

You know I'm a strong advocate of being truthful with yourself. Yes, ruthlessly honest. If you need more time for a project, give it to yourself. Don't say you didn't have enough time. If you don't know how to do something, but want a chance to try, speak up! At least to yourself. That is, never hide--from yourself. You can't be honest with anyone else if you're not honest with yourself.

Take time for reflection and figure out your underlying attitudes towards mistakes, what causes them, and what you can do about it. Are you working a day job plus occasional night shifts so, really, you did fall asleep at the wheel? Are you afraid to tell the truth so you don't exactly lie but you do gloss over the facts, smoothing the edges so that your listener's ears don't prick up when they hear the truth? Or, are you mean sometimes?

Certain things we live with are beyond our control. Since anxiety is kind of a chronic thing with me, it requires exquisite self-care. I can't control the fact of the anxiety, but I have a very strong influence over how I manage my time and self-care so that anxiety is less likely to take over. If I take good care of myself I can show up for myself and others the way I would like. Not to mention enjoy myself!

I've also come to believe that if you're not making mistakes, experiencing a little failure here and there, you aren't trying hard enough. The person who doesn't make mistakes is the person who doesn't try. Having worked so hard to build my business, I now see that without "failure" from time to time, it just wouldn't be possible to create great things and to make the most of yourself. How do you find your edge if you don't push it?

Sure, I need to learn to count to ten before I dive in, spend less time rushing, and make sure I communicate clearly and transparently. The thing is, we humans are dynamic, and we live in a world of constant change--that's what it is to be alive. So I cannot nail everything down and call it a day. I have to live with my imperfectly perfect, crazy beautiful self and the evolving situations in which I find myself. I need to push myself to try new things and tolerate the inevitable mistakes so I can learn from them.

Life really is, as said Dr. Seuss, "a great balancing act." Cue the circus music.

{photo credit: wikimedia}