You Keep It Together

Theme song: Gumboots

I have a little technique I use when I feel blue which is to ask a friend to tell me three good things about myself.

Lately, when I asked a close friend to tell me three good things about myself she said, among other things, "You keep it together." It may sound like faint praise, but I appreciated the sentiment.

We're living in a world of trouble and pain (No, don't argue with me or call me cynical. And if you don't believe me, ask the Buddha.) Keeping it together is not the no-brainer it may seem to some. Here is a case in point:

I recently participated in a professional potluck (practically an oxymoron, I know) in which one of my colleagues had a flameout. I am changing the details to protect the innocent, but the upshot was that the colleague was expected to provide an important deliverable to fellow potluck-goers and didn't follow through. The stakes were higher than usual because, at this particular potluck, each of us was expected to showcase our particular talents to help participants understand our businesses better.

Not showing up was one thing. Not communicating about not showing up was another. Inconveniencing the other participants who had deliverables that depended on this colleague was yet another element. It was indeed unfortunate that our colleague turned an opportunity to shine into a disappointment. But what moved the situation from flakey to flameout was that said colleague voiced (publicly, mind you) suicidal thoughts. After several references to suicide I felt alarmed and asked, "Are you okay?" And the answer was, "No."

I think we've all read articles in which an individual issues a cry for help, no one responds, and then, when it's too late, everyone regrets their callous behavior. That's not what happened here. Everyone who understood that our colleague was having a crisis responded with appropriately generous words and deeds. The colleague, you'll be happy to learn, is doing much better.

As you know, this blog has lately been covering the making mistakes topic pretty thoroughly. What I haven't yet covered is the whole realm of (public) breakdowns. I've always had mixed feelings about (public) breakdowns. On the one hand, when the going's gotten rough, I've thought it would be awesome to have an honest-to-God breakdown. It would be different than making excuses; it would be a real and legitimate reason to throw duty and obligation to the wind.

In fact, if you saw the excellent Ingmar Bergman film Persona, you know that main character gets to go to a Swedish beach house for the summer with a full-time nurse to take care of all of her needs following her breakdown. True, the nurse ends up abusing her physically and verbally, but who could have predicted that? All terrifying violence aside, that was one scenic, luxury breakdown.

(Un)fortunately, I've never had an honest-to-God breakdown, though I've had my share of close calls. The reason I've managed to avoid it is, I think, a few-fold. One reason is, as I've admitted elsewhere (before I decided to #neverhide), I've had a horror of making (public) mistakes. Another is, I've felt a bit jealous and critical of people who seem to be able to sidestep the rules and not get instantly struck down by lightening. So, when I watched this public flameout, my sympathy was mixed with shock and awe as one of my deepest fears leapt to life like so many flames licking at the fabric of this colleague's life. There but for grace of God go I and that sort of thing.

The question arose: will our colleague still enjoy the same level of credibility with the group after having had this (public) breakdown? The answer is: probably not. Therefore, a (public) breakdown is, in fact, at least in the short term, bad for business. However. If you need to have a breakdown than it's best to just have it.

Why?

Because breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. Although I learned this via Landmark Education, it's true. The fact is, some of the best of what I am and what I have has resulted from or followed the biggest crises of my life. My two cases in point are the death of my little girl and my subsequent divorce. To this day, I do mourn both of those events and yet they changed the course of my life, making it what it is today which is, as I've also said elsewhere, imperfectly perfect and, somewhat to my surprise, really quite magnificent.

I don't know what will happen to the colleague. Will the colleague stay in the group, or start over in another group? Will the colleague have a wake-up call and learn all about professional communication and leadership and live to astound us all by not only re-establishing credibility but by taking the reigns and truly wowing us? No outcome is sure. It's in the mix.